Dear Elon,
It’s with more than a little schadenfreude that we notice you are having a few political problems back home, involving your pal, US president Donald Trump. We make no judgement on the end of the Big Beautiful Bromance, except to say that it’s a huge win for any schoolgirl worried that she acted like a complete psycho during her last breakup.
There have been more catty breakups between luxury fashion houses and their creative directors than the breakup between you and President Trump — but none have come with this many rockets, lawsuits or X-rated tweets. As talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel says: “It’s like Diddy versus R. Kelly. I’m not sure who to root for.”
Elephants in musth are known to have heightened testosterone levels, which leads to increased aggression and behavioural deviations. So it’s worth asking; is President Trump in Musk? Even worse, is Musk in musth?
Anyway, we just wondered whether you have considered a return to your roots? South Africa misses you. Not in a clingy ex- kind of way… more like a country wondering if its most eccentric export might fancy a homecoming tour kind of way.
Are you aware, for example, that we do have a special refugee category for former South African’s billionaires whose current net worth is roughly the same as the GDP of the entire country? Not many people qualify for this, but in line with the very specialised group of South Africans now very quickly completing their US refugee applications, we have a special one for you. It’s the least we can do.
We know there might be some “issues”. Sometimes the lights are turned off. But you could think of this as a meditation encouragement system, which would be enhanced by, for example, by the use of psychedelic mushrooms. If you have any.
On the subject of pharmaceuticals, we have a very progressive policy on the sale of certain kinds of stimulants. Our stimulant of choice is called “tik”, but if you prefer something else, like ketamine for example, you know, it’s a free country.
And there are big upsides: we have more sunshine than Mars and more potholes than you have twitter critics. Our politicians honestly don’t cost that much. The $250-million you paid in support of the Donald Trump presidency would easily buy you an entire government, and we could throw in Lesotho and Eswatini for good measure.
So come home, Elon. Bring your flamethrower. Bring the kids. We’ll throw in honorary citizenship of Orania, a Spur steak of your choice, and a seat on the Eskom board.
Yours in WiFi and wishful thinking,
The People of Mzansi
P.S. On second thoughts, maybe don’t bring X Æ A-12 – you know how bad South African white people are at pronouncing non-English names!
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