Brash vs Zuney vs Le Pickle: not another smash burger

From the 12^th-century Mongol warriors who needed a meat sandwich to eat while riding their horses across the steppes and killing people in droves, to the Smash Burger Wars in Cape Town, the search for the best burger can be a bloody battle. Lebo Madiba got us started with Joburg – it rapidly became heated – and now we’ve taken up the cudgels in the Cape.

The elimination process

We’d initially decided to go for an overall category winner, but Smash vs Wagyu vs Big Patty is not an equal playing field. My partner and I even had a fight about it. He weighs one hundred kilograms and thinks a burger smaller than his hand is an insult to the category. I think like vs like is the fairest way to judge. 

In the end it took longer to choose finalists than it did to eat. And that’s because we chose smash burgers, and smash burgers are small. The burger finalists should also be within an easy reach: as Ms Madiba rightly said in her Joburg review, the real decider is which burger you actually want to eat at 9pm. I don’t know if you’ve heard about Cape Town traffic, but we decided to stay within a two-kilometre radius, with the Table (Mountain) at the centre.

The Nob, Izzy Burgers and Aegir Project were therefore off the list, and the Frankie Fenner Meat Merchants home burger was disqualified because it’s only available at lunchtime on Fridays.

And so, it was to be a fight of the smashes. With a new smash burger joint opening every month or so, at least 10 years behind the international trend, we had to eliminate the hype burgers. (Oh, woe betide modern living!)

In today’s troubled times, price points are a real qualifier, undeniably affecting the taste that is left in your mouth, so that was a contributing factor too. To ensure unbiased reporting I consulted Cape Town Eats Group on Facebookand discovered that not only is Dog’s Bollocks still a favourite among real people, some of the most hyped burgers are also the most liked.

The finalists* are – ring-a-ding-ding, let the fight begin –

Zuney, Brash and Le Pickle.  

* Some classics come with cheese, so all burgers judged were cheeseburgers.  

Wagyu and the hype

The Zuney Burger is technically a Wagyu burger. But it is also a crinkly crusty patty of smashed mince with a sweet smear of onion, neatly sandwiched in a brioche roll. Because of the Wagyu, the fat content makes it – unsurprisingly – very rich. To use the exact word, unctuous. Both delicious and quite greasy, Zuney might be exactly what you’re looking for at 9pm. There is a chef’s theory that says mincing a marbled cut of beef is a waste; I will leave it to you to decide.

This is the burger for those who want to double-down on meat flavour. But a caveat, it is a smol burger. Depending on how big your mouth is, it can be finished in just a few bites. The price point is R130 for the cheeseburger, so you need to be okay paying more for less for more.

Honest confidence from Brash

This was fantastic. It’s the closest you’re going to get to the McDonald’s cheeseburger, in a good way. The burger – a two-patty load! – is well put together with a proper slather of ketchup and mustard, slick pickles, and someone decided to de-sting that chopped onion (details matter).

They even got the slightly waxy melt on the American cheese just right. Some more points for a great atmosphere and good playlist. All for R120. The add-ons are a clever touch, like R25 for another patty, and only R5 more for the Mack Daddy.

Overall, as their Mack Daddy suggests, they know which lever they’re pulling. This is therefore the choice for those who crave fast food flavours, without the late-stage capitalism guilt tax. Even better, you’re supporting a homegrown business that has evolved from a food truck to a premium spot in Sea Point.  

More than just a pickle

My disclaimer: I have a strong aversion to the cool-kid coterie and – despite loving the burger – had not returned to Le Pickle since the beginning. Which was stupid, because I have been missing out. It is an excellent burger. Excellent is my highest praise.

Decisions have been made: the roll felt closer to Japanese milk bread, a bit spongy, but not too sweet; the double patty is well-smashed, accompanied by a good strong cheese and a spiky but creamy sauce; and there is an abundance of le pickles. With chips – an actual potato cut into sticks – you’re looking at R139, and just R109 for a very filling burger. Le Pickle wins, messy hands down. It is deeply satisfying. It is officially the burger I want when I want a burger.

The best smash burger in Cape Town is…

Best meat: Zuney

Best vibe: Brash

Best burger and overall champion: Le Pickle

Other quick bites

• Cape Town Eats Group – run by people who add the word Group to a group – is a lovely corner of the internet. Go for the no-skaam opinions on waitstaff and menu items, and stay for the heartfelt support of the hospitality industry.

• The Dog’s Bollocks burgers – the big one and the smash one – tasted like marge, both buns were dry, and the big burger sauce had some type of glycerol in it (which is usually the stabilising agent). It’s a no from me.

• Bertus Basson’s De Vrije Burger was also not a fair contender as I usually order a side of mayo. Loath to say it, but their burger needs a binding sauce, something zingy or sweet or charred to pull it together; and the last time I ordered it the lettuce was wet (details matter.) But, in addition to the chef community consensus, Cape Town Eats Group is also passionately in favour, and that is a strong force of public opinion, so maybe I’ve missed something.

• I am hearing good things about Prima Burgers.

• Only Fools is wonderful: meatier than the others and smacking good flavour. But the venue is packed, so it’s no longer a viable option for popping in, or a quick take away.

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^{Pics: Kathryn White and supplied}