Steep thrills: South Africa’s finest high teas

Let us establish the rules, chaps. A good high tea should involve a recklessly generous array of eats, surroundings with at least a whiff of old money (even if it’s faded and shabby), very good china, properly brewed tea and, perhaps, a glass of quality bubbles. Two macarons and a dry triangle of egg mayo sandwich will not do.

Cape Town

Mount Nelson, Gardens

The Nellie is our high-tea north star. There are more than 60 loose-leaf teas, live tinkling of the ivories and stands groaning under sweet and savoury delicacies, all served in the lounge of Cape Town’s pink palace. It is glamorous, ceremonial and just old-fashioned enough to make one sit up straighter. The only thing that could improve an afternoon tea at the Nellie? Booking a hotel room afterwards, thereby avoiding the vulgar business of returning immediately to real life.

The Vineyard, Newlands

I’ve been visiting The Vineyard since I was a child, so objectivity isn’t really relevant in this instance. Still, this may be the country’s prettiest place to eat a scone: lawns, enormous trees, resident tortoises and Table Mountain rising behind it all. The contemporary afternoon tea is served at Morii from Friday to Sunday, with fine teas, the hotel’s own Vineyard Blend and tiers of sandwiches, pastries, bonbons and tarts.

One&Only Cape Town, V&A Waterfront

Afternoon tea at the One&Only’s Vista Bar & Lounge is the sleek, cosmopolitan cousin of the chintzy hotel spread. The savouries, scones and sweet things arrive on bespoke tiered stands with the resort’s signature tea blends, and again, Table Mountain provides the expensive-looking backdrop. This is less dowager duchess surrounded by antimacassars, more fabulously successful godmother in an excellent trouser suit. In other words, polished, plentiful and extremely useful when entertaining visitors.

Johannesburg

Olives & Plates at the Wits Club, Parktown

There is something pleasingly secret-society-ish about taking tea at the Wits Club. The Cape Dutch-style building sits beneath wonderful oak trees and comes with plenty of old Johannesburg gravitas. Olives & Plates hosts its signature high tea on the first Saturday of each month, and booking is essential. An excellent setting in which to discuss garden-club scandals, university politics or bemoan the dreadful state of British Airways Business Class.

Fairlawns Boutique Hotel, Morningside

Fairlawns has gone fully down the rabbit hole. Its Alice in Wonderland-themed afternoon tea takes place in Tea in the Woods, a fantasy-filled room with forest walls, timeless furniture and a fountain courtyard. TWG teas accompany the sweet and savoury spread, while guests begin with sparkling wine and a so-called shrinking potion. Traditionalists may twitch, but highly theatrical friends will be delighted. Also, it is difficult to sulk while drinking a shrinking potion.

Four Seasons Hotel The Westcliff

The Westcliff’s new Champagne Afternoon Tea has moved into its equally new Lobby Lounge & Bar. The refreshed menu comes from executive pastry chef Nathan Jacobs, and the full Champagne version includes a glass of the French stuff; the standard tea arrives with local MCC. It’s available daily with advance notice, with weekend sittings accompanied by live music. The vibe here is glamorous Joburg aunt who has just sold a company. So of course, she’s paying. You’re welcome!

The Saxon, Sandhurst

The Saxon does not muck about. Its afternoon tea is served in the Piano Lounge from Wednesday to Sunday, with handcrafted bite-sized treats also available in vegetarian, vegan and gluten-free versions – so nobody need spend the afternoon surviving on decorative mint. The atmosphere is hushed and VVIP. Blend in by not even noticing – never mind discussing – the bill.

Gabriella’s Tea Room, Parktown North

Follow the bamboo alongside the side of legendary La Cucina di Ciro, to a room of antique chandeliers, emerald tickey-creeper, aged surfaces and a welcoming fireplace. Gabriella’s is for those who want warmth and quirk rather than sleek hotel marble, and its various afternoon-tea menus offer both sweet and savoury spreads. Book directly, particularly for a group celebration.

The Northcliff Boutique Hotel, Northcliff

At The Northcliff, the panoramic Joburg view gets everyone excited immediately – and as an area diehard, I totally get why. The high-tea menu includes salmon pancakes, cucumber sandwiches, spinach-and-feta quiche and beef spring rolls, followed by scones, cheesecake, brownies, macarons and lemon tart. There is bubbly on arrival, and that is important. Book the late-afternoon slot and double up the sunset with snacking.

Le Manoir, Northcliff

This little boutique hotel is one Joburg’s best-kept secrets. And it’s got strong high tea game too (clearly there’s something in the Northcliff water). For R495 a person you get a table in a wonderful garden, a super spread of food and bottomless tea and coffee. The thought of truffle chicken vol-au-vents, curried prawn tartlets and caramelised white chocolate financiers had me drooling while I write this. You need to book in advance, but you’ll be glad you did.

KZN

The Oyster Box, Umhlanga

The Oyster Box is essentially a genteel Valhalla: all palms, slow-turning fans and the faint possibility that someone may shortly announce the arrival of the governor. Its Palm Court high tea comes with live piano, a lavish buffet and distinctly Durban savouries including samoosas and chilli bites. We find ourselves checking the room rates and specials of the old gal with alarming regularity, and fantasise about a stay during which we walk the tea off on the promenade afterwards. Or lie down in the suite stare at the sea. Either way.

The Beverly Hills, Umhlanga

Just along the beachfront, The Beverly Hills serves its elegant afternoon-tea buffet at The Sugar Club on Saturdays. The Indian Ocean provides the view, while the hotel supplies desserts and attentive service. Crucially, this is a buffet that very much satisfies our foundational belief that a proper high tea should never look mean. I wish they’d pivot away from the beige and brown interiors and go full Tropicana (to match the peach exterior) but that doesn’t mean we love this dame any less.

Too lazy to leave the house?

Get a box of Woolies frozen butter scones, Bonne Maman raspberry jam, a jar of Devon clotted cream from Checkers and put on the kettle. Easy as that.

Looking for even more high-tea options? Read Adele Shevel’s review of the new high tea offering at The Cape Grace.

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